I didn't know I had so many problems till I went to therapy! Now I'm a wreck! I had no idea I was THIS fucked up! :~) It only took about 5 years to find out... Now who knows how long it will take me to get over 5 years of therapy!
I know it's July but tonight I was feeling a bit down and one thing that cheers me up is this. Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer 1964. I was pretty much raised by my grandparents, my mom and dad were neglectful and abusive and I was left alone a lot as a child... But every year at Christmas time without fail I would sit with excitement and watch Rudolf with my grandparents. I remember as a child sitting on the floor in front of the tv looking up with sheer joy and pleasure so focused on this that nothing else in the world was happening and I had not a care in my heart! My Gran would make popcorn or french toast and my grandpa I called Baw Baw because I couldn't say pa pa would sing Silver and Gold. Usually till the end of January! They both seemed excited too. As I got older my grandparents would remind me of the night this was on tv and I would faithfully as excited as a child be with them to revisit Rudolf with no cares or worries! I moved from the floor to the sofa as I got older and the three of us would take our journey as we always had. We would all sing the songs and worry when Yukon Cornelius went over the cliff with the Abominable Snow Monster. My Gran would be on the far right side of the sofa and I, would be on the left. Baw Baw would be in his chair to the left of me. The Christmas tree would be up with the lights on and the house would be warm and cozy with the smell of slightly musty Christmas decorations. I was so touched and effected as a child by the toys on the island of the misfit toys that when we would go to the store I always wanted the toy that was broken or missing an eye. Which I would bring back to my Gran to repair so it wouldn't go to that island. I admit I still buy those toys with no eyes or wobbly heads and bring them home and repair. That's something that never left me... None of Rudolf has ever left me or ever will. I can close my eyes now when Rudolf is on and go back to that place in time...
Ever year till they died I had this with my lovely and wonderful grandparents and now when I close my eyes they are still here with me singing and smiling with no cares or worries!
It's when I miss them the most I revisit Rudolf... I know they are here with me going on our journey again...
Know Me More
I wonder about all the things that shaped me? These are just things I remember from my life and getting to this point.
I'm starting to think the voice in my head has some serious "issues"