Not a photo…
Today I didn’t get out of bed… I feel like shit. I am depressed and today it has just got the best of me.
We watched “Waco Rules of Engagement” last night and I was remembering the day all of those poor people were murdered. I started to think about the government and how bad they are and all the wrong they do and get away with.
I didn’t sleep well even though Michael gave me the best massage EVER.
I woke today and felt like a had a big black cloud over me. and couldn’t help going back to bed…
I started to think of when I was a kid… and about my mom.
She is a crazy person. Seriously she has some big issues and is not a nice person. She likes to play with feelings and always made me feel small and useless. She didn’t want me around most of the time, but much of the time she wasn’t around anyway. When she was though if it took her she would tell me to go away. That would mean outside in winter or summer. I couldn’t go back in the house till she said it was ok. Not for anything. Not for food or water or the bathroom. The water didn’t matter though because we didn’t have running water and had gallon jugs of water we hauled from my grandparent’s house on the weekends. So that water was outside on the porch and I could drink it when I was thirsty. In the summer when it was really hot so was the water but I didn’t mind. The summer days I would spend alone outside with nothing much around. We lived in the country so we had no neighbours. We had the dogs and I had Thunder my horse. But couldn’t ride him unless she said it was ok.The cat stayed inside. I would play with sticks and dirt and whatever I could find. I would go on treasure hunts and look for Indian heads but never found any. I would find old rusty hinges and nails and horse shoes… sometimes I would find the remains of some dead animal… old white dried bones with bits of leathery skin stretched over it. Someone had lived where we had the trailer at some point many years before so I might find something that had been human made… trinkets or something. Mostly I watched the world go by… we had these big red ants that made the most beautiful ant mounds from tiny glass looking pebbles! I would watch them as they would go off on their own hunts… sometimes I would offer dog food to them and watch as they would find it and then quickly disassemble it and below ground it would go… they were big ants but never stung me. I would skip rocks on the pond next to the trainer and sometimes I would tie dog food to string and try to fish. The fish would nibble the floating food away and I would be happy to just watch them occasionally pulling one of them up on the shore but I didn’t use a hook so it was just the fish eating with a good grip! They would flop and flip and slide back into the water. I would never have let one die… if it had rained the pond would have a little stream coming from it on one side and I would go and be the dam builder! Using rocks and mud till the water was too much and the force would burst through! Then I would build again…
The winter was not so much fun. If it was really cold I would crawl in the dog house and sit and talk to the dog… rearrange the straw we had provided to keep them warm in to what I thought was a nice bed for him before I would leave. Otherwise I would stay with the horse in the barn he had. My dad had built it and it had a gravel type floor, it also had windows and I would play like it was my house… with a horse in it! like Pippi Longstocking! I would always stay here in the rain as I could look out the windows and watch the storms with lighting and with Thunder, the horse! I loved to watch the rain and still do.
Funny as a kid I didn’t think any of it was strange but looking back it was… it was lonely more than strange I guess.
For reasons unknown this has been my day… I'm not usually one to stay in bed but I just could bring myself to get out of it. Maybe I'm going crazy…. I don’t know? I'm sure tomorrow will be different…I hope so anyway. I don’t want to feel like this.
I'm sorry for the rant but I guess that’s a good reason for a blog isn’t it? a place to get it out when i need to…
I don’t talk to my mom any more if you didn’t know that… I don’t talk to my dad either…
I have Michael and I don’t need anyone else!
I have decided to do a Project 365! Here is just a bit of info behind every pic.
I have an Etsy shop now! Check it out here!!!!